How to speak my language

So. Here's the deal. I know I'm horrible at expressing myself. I know that. I would love if all human interaction was written out instead of spoken, because I'm so much better at writing what I want to say than actually saying it. However, I also think people are even more stupid than I give them credit for though. Because I feel like many of the things I say get super mistranslated and it kills me inside. So. I'm going to translate a few things for you - all are sentences that I HAVE said before and people misinterpreted. Perhaps this will help people to not be such idiots.

"I don't really like to be touched." - This means that if I do not know you and I'm not infatuated with you, I don't want you to massage me or touch me in a creepy manner. It does NOT mean that I want you to move from massaging my arms to massaging my stomach.

"I hate the F-word." - This means that I find the good old F bomb to be highly painful. It literally hurts my ears when I hear it. This does not mean that I want you to start swearing up a storm and using it as often as you possibly can. Trust me. I'm not using reverse psychology on you.

"I'd like a small strawberry cheesecake with cream." - This means that when I'm at Bahama Bucks, I'd like a small strawberry cheesecake flavored shaved ice with cream. It does NOT mean that I want a green umbrella with said shaved ice.

"I took *****'* shift." This means I was bored. And had nothing to do. And figure I might as well earn some money. So I took *****'* shift. It does not mean I am obsessed with said person and that I would do anything in the world for them simply because they are so beautiful.

"I hate you." This can mean a plethora of different things. It can mean I love you. It can mean you just mocked me and now I am laughing but I'm going to say I hate you but I don't really. It can mean shut up. It can mean that I want to stroke your muscles. It means lots of things. Just depends on the situation, BUT IT NEVER MEANS THAT I ACTUALLY HATE YOU. If I hated you I would say something much more rude, so please don't go and get your panties all in a twist.

How to Get Over A Guy

I've decided I'd like to give all the girls out there tips on how to get over a guy. Because, you know, it's kind of painful when the person you like doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with you. So here are some helpful tips on how to get over him.

1.


2.

3.

4.

5.


..........................................Who am I kidding. I have no idea.

Fashion Advice

I feel it is time for me to give the world some fashion advice. I am the first to admit that I am not always the most stylish person in the world, but after a day of walking around ASU, I simply cannot hold my tongue any longer.



Lesson #1:
There is a HUGE difference between being unique and being a FREAK. For example: Perhaps if you are feeling like being unique, you should replace the plain button on your pants with a large bead or something. You should NOT, however, wear goggles that make you look like an enlarged fly.

Lesson #2:
Things are more attractive when left to the imagination.
I am often disgusted when I see girls with huge boobs who wear shirts that display their massively endowed parts to the world and let them jiggle freely in the stifling hot Arizona weather. This does not mean, however, that I am not disgusted when girls with zero amounts of boobs try to do the same thing. It is actually even more disgusting for some reason. So please. Just cover up and leave your chesticles a nice little mystery. It is much more appealing.


Lesson #3:
Never go pantyless when wearing white shorts.
Now you might say to yourself, "But Stephannie! If i wear underwear with my white shorts you'll be able to see it through my shorts!" And I will say to you, "That may be true, but if you don't wear them, I'll be able to see your bum through your shorts instead of your underwear. Is that really preferable???" And you, being the smart person you are will realize that I am right. So please. If you are going to wear white shorts, please make sure you find a pair that are thick enough that you will be able to wear them with a nice comfy pair of underpants without being able to see them through your shorts.




Lesson #4:
If your pockets are longer than your shorts, YOU NEED A NEW PAIR OF SHORTS. End of story.

Stupid men with feelings

There is nothing worse than a man who acts like a girl. It's ok for a guy to be a bit of a metrosexual. Being a bit metrosexual is actually kind of sexy. However, there is nothing worse than when a grown, attractive man behaves like an immature, Justin Bieber loving, preteen girl. Someone should probably teach them that the silent treatment is not a mature way to express your frustrations over someone disagreeing with you. GROW A PAIR.