How to speak my language

So. Here's the deal. I know I'm horrible at expressing myself. I know that. I would love if all human interaction was written out instead of spoken, because I'm so much better at writing what I want to say than actually saying it. However, I also think people are even more stupid than I give them credit for though. Because I feel like many of the things I say get super mistranslated and it kills me inside. So. I'm going to translate a few things for you - all are sentences that I HAVE said before and people misinterpreted. Perhaps this will help people to not be such idiots.

"I don't really like to be touched." - This means that if I do not know you and I'm not infatuated with you, I don't want you to massage me or touch me in a creepy manner. It does NOT mean that I want you to move from massaging my arms to massaging my stomach.

"I hate the F-word." - This means that I find the good old F bomb to be highly painful. It literally hurts my ears when I hear it. This does not mean that I want you to start swearing up a storm and using it as often as you possibly can. Trust me. I'm not using reverse psychology on you.

"I'd like a small strawberry cheesecake with cream." - This means that when I'm at Bahama Bucks, I'd like a small strawberry cheesecake flavored shaved ice with cream. It does NOT mean that I want a green umbrella with said shaved ice.

"I took *****'* shift." This means I was bored. And had nothing to do. And figure I might as well earn some money. So I took *****'* shift. It does not mean I am obsessed with said person and that I would do anything in the world for them simply because they are so beautiful.

"I hate you." This can mean a plethora of different things. It can mean I love you. It can mean you just mocked me and now I am laughing but I'm going to say I hate you but I don't really. It can mean shut up. It can mean that I want to stroke your muscles. It means lots of things. Just depends on the situation, BUT IT NEVER MEANS THAT I ACTUALLY HATE YOU. If I hated you I would say something much more rude, so please don't go and get your panties all in a twist.