My future husband

My future husband must:

- be able to sing like Josh Groban

- be able to oooo like Clay Aiken

- own a sexy red truck

- watch terrible shows like Bachelor Pad with me

- appreciate my stalking abilities

It would also be alright with me if he looked a bit like either Sterling Knight, Josh Duhamel, or Ryan Reynolds. Not a requirement or anything, but I definitely wouldn't complain.

http://domo.goanimate.com/go/movie/08rC-c9C0Q28?utm_source=emailshare&uid=0apSpauXqIts

http://domo.goanimate.com/go/movie/08rC-c9C0Q28?utm_source=emailshare&uid=0apSpauXqIts

How to get a man

As everyone probably knows by now, I am pretty much an expert on this subject. So, I am going to give you a little bit of advice on how to get a man you have previously met if you are in one of his classes.

DO:

Girl: *Walks into class on time and sits next to man* "Hi, *******. Do you remember me?"

Man: "Of course! You're *********'s really attractive cousin!"

Girl: "Yes! Yes, I am!"

Annnnnnd eventually they get married and have lots of little babies.

DON'T:

Girl: *Walks into class late and sits at a different table even though there is an open spot right next to Man*............*Stares creepily at man throughout class*...............*Leaves class without talking to Man before class is over*

This will make him think that you don't actually remember who he is and will cause him to never come sit by or talk to you.

Weird sunburns

It seems I have been cursed to be the recipient of many unfortunate looking sunburns. This past week I went on an innocent roadtrip to California and happened to stop by a beach for an hour or two before heading home. And of course, being as ghostly white as I am, I got sunburned. Now, I've had some stupid looking sunburns before in my life, but this one may just top them all. It's probably only second to the one I got in Hawaii where only my left leg got sunburned. This time, my chest got sunburned. But, there are a few random white spots that look like fingerprints in the midst of the burn. I have no idea how that got there, because it's not as if I was letting someone fondle my chest while I frollicked on the beach, nor did I take a nap or anything where someone could creeper attack me while sleeping. So......I really don't know why I have been cursed with this stupid looking sunburn.

Poor little car...

This is not, in fact, my car, but this is what my car looks like.

I love my car very much. He's been faithful throughout the years, helping me stalk people and make a quick getaway when I need to, but lately he's been crapping out on me.

First he started to lose his "hair". My poor little car has several bald patches on his head now and needs a paint job pretty badly.

Then, the locks gave out. Instead of just flipping a switch, I have to operate them all manually now.

Then, the AC decided that every once in a while it could just stop working. When it's the middle of summer in Phoenix, Arizona, this is soooo not allowed.

Then! The front door decided that it refused to open. Even though the door was unlocked, it would not open no matter how hard a I pushed on it. So I had to crawl over to the passanger side and go out that door. And when I walked around to the driver's side and tried to at least lock the door, it refused to lock.

Poor car. Please don't die.

Things I learned while in Hawaii

-There should definitely be a swimsuit police. There are far to many fat old men in this world who think they can wear speedos in public and way to many old ladies with saggy boobs and bums who think it's ok to wear a bikini. Swimsuits should be body AND age appropriate!

-It's much harder to shave with just a razor blade and no actual razor than one might think. Never forget to bring along BOTH.

-It is definitely possible to get sunburned THROUGH your swimsuit. Apparently the sun doesn't just burn whatever skin is exposed. Make sure to sunblock underneath your swimsuit too, otherwise, like me, you'll be sporting a backwards tan.

-It is possible to get sunburned when it's cloudy and dark out. You are never safe. Noooot cool.

-Never wear shorts over your swimsuit. If you do, you'll be stuck with a really bad tan line. If the sun is feeling especially cruel, it'll only burn one of your legs.

-Pufferfish are hard to scare. No matter how many times you try to step on them or kick them, they won't puff.

REJECTION

My whole life I've always dreaded that someday I might have to break up with/reject someone I really liked because they weren't Mormon like me. For some reason though, it never occured to me that someone I liked and who liked me would be the one rejecting me because I am Mormon. Ouchhhhhhhhh.

Fashion pet peeves

Let's take just a minute to talk about my two latest fashion pet peeves.

Number One: Those awful jumpsuit things that every girl on campus seems to be wearing. I seriously do not get why these are a fad. They're so beyond ugly. People should have stopped wearing these at the age of two. If that late. And they make you look like you have a weird frontal wedgie! NOT sexy.

Number Two: Those shoes with the toes. BEYOND creepy. I could maybe see someone wearing them as watershoes at the beach or something. MAYBE. But I always see people wearing them around campus. And there is definitely not a beach on campus. These shoes seriously creep me out.

We live in Arizona. Not Hell.

Just because I'm at ASU and their mascot is a Sun Devil does not actually mean that it's hotter than hell outside. It is entirely unnecessary to make the classrooms so cold that one needs to bring a jacket in order to not freeze to death during a lecture. It's toasty outside. Not scorching.

Lamb = baby sheep

Yesterday, my friend told me he had only recently discovered that lambs were in fact baby sheep - not a completely different animal.

In an attempt to show him how dumb he was, I turned to my other friend and asked them if they knew the difference between a lamb and a sheep.

He goes, "Yeah, isn't one of them a boy and the other one is a girl?"

FACEPALM.

I wanna hold your hand

Today I learned that I am a total dunce when it comes to love. When guys try to give me a hint, I absolutely do not get it. Unless you slap me across the face with your love, I will remain oblivious. Case in point:
This story has been edited!!!!!! Bahahahahahahhahah!!!!!!!!
WHOOPS. Did not know that. No wonder I've never had a boyfriend..... Also! This picture came up while I was looking for one to go along with this blog: Like, what the heck?!?

The things you see at ASU....

I see weird things all the time at ASU. Most the time I don't even notice them because I'm just so used to it. Like the guy wearing the Burger King man costume. I don't even really pay attention to him anymore. Or the religious fanatics belting out preposterous things - they've just become noise in the background. But today I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said, "Consensual Sex is Hot"......and I was like, "For reals?!?" Why would you wear that? I mean, I thought I was ridiculous for wearing my Jonas Brothers concert t-shirt around campus.

So, I did a little bit of research just now and found out that it's actually to raise awareness about sexual abuse or something like that.

Still.

Very strange shirt.

Sliding Glass Doors

I despise sliding glass doors. I once had the misfortune of running into one and I have never forgotten it. But really! How are you supposed to be able to tell if it's open or not?!? I was at my grandma's house and because she is a clean freak, her sliding glass door is always spotless. SPOTLESS! No streaks or smudges or anything. So the day I ran into it, I remember staring at it, trying to decide whether it was open or not. I finally decided that it was and broke into a run so I could go outside, only to be forcefully stopped by the door about two seconds later.....apparently it wasn't open.....and then all my cousins and aunts and uncles laughed at me........and now I have a phobia of sliding glass doors because they will always, always make you look like an idiot. I mean, if you can't tell whether or not it's open, you have one of two choices:

1. Walk at the door and look like an idiot/have a really bad headache if the door is actually closed.

2. Slowly shuffle toward the door with your arms held out like a blind person so as to protect yourself from running into it, but then look really stupid if the door is, in fact, open.

Moral of the story: buy a house with a real door.

Teased hair or alien babies?

One trend that I will never understand: backcombing. Or teasing your hair. Whatever you prefer to call it.

I just feel like this is a trend that should never EVER be attempted because nearly everyone absolutely FAILS at pulling it off. If you're lucky, you'll merely look like your head has grown a massive tumor overnight. Or like your head is six months pregnant with little alien babies. If you're not lucky, you'll look like you just woke up. Explain to me how that is sexy.

Man Hugs

I really like men.

And I really like getting hugs from men.

But I also feel like I am totally squishing them with my boobs when I hug them.

Which I guess they probably like.

But still.

Awkward.

15 things I know how to do that the customers who visit my place of employment can't seem to figure out

1. Pee IN the toilet
2. Flush the toilet
3. Get a paper towel out of the automatic paper towel dispenser
4. Throw a paper towel in the trash
5. Wash my hands without splashing water across the whole entire counter
6. Wash my hands without splashing water on the mirrors
7. Wash my hands period
8. Eat popcorn without dropping it on the floor
9. Carry a soda without spilling it.
10. Pour salt onto the popcorn without also pouring it onto the counter
11. Throw my straw wrapper into the trashcan
12. Read the theater number on my movie ticket
13. Find the bathroom
14. Find the straws
15. Throw up IN the toilet rather than on or around it