Please take a moment to study these images and figure out what they all have in common...

...then please note that my image is not on here.

Random Musings of my Mind

A couple thoughts have been lingering on my mind today.

Number 1:

So you know how you sometimes want to figure out what another person thinks of you, but you're either too chicken of embarrassed to ask them, so you have a mutual friend ask them instead and then said friend tells you everything that person said? This is a technique that I have unfortunately resorted to using many times in my life and today I was just thinking about whether or not someone has ever used this technique on me and repeated all of my answers back to another person. If that even made sense.

Number 2:

I seriously don't understand how some people are so good at coming up with the perfect word to describe something. I struggle with coming up with the right way to explain things (please refer to #1 on this list) and then there are people who can just immediate come up with the perfect word to describe a scenario. So annoying.

Number 3:

Why do some people insist upon driving the speed limit?!?

Number 4:

When will I ever learn to stop eating food in bed? Comforters covered in beans are really not that comforting.

Stephannie's Sure-Fire Steps to Smelling Sensational!

Nobody want to be the one that this guy is pointing at, so here are a few simple steps that will ensure you are never the one causing those around you to gag because the fumes your body is exuding are repulsive.

Step #1: Shower!

This step is not even hard! Simply step into your shower, turn on the water to whichever temperature suits you, and scrub-a-dub-dub! Be sure that while you're in their you lather some shampoo into your hair so it doesn't get all sorts of greasy and gross people out. Also, use soap. There is no point in even taking a shower if you don't use soap. If you find that showering requires to much physical exertion for you, what with the whole having to stand up for several minutes straight thing, then take a bath!

Step #2: Put on deodorant.

This step is always necessary. There is never a time that this step will not be necessary. Even if you think you don't need it because you don't sweat very much, you still need it. You will always need it.

CAUTION: DO NOT USE BABY POWDER SCENTED DEODORANT. IT IS DISGUSTING AND IS ALMOST WORSE THAN SMELLING LIKE B.O.

Step #3: Put on clean clothes.

Showering is pointless if your clothes reek.

Step #4: Spritz on some cologne/perfume.

This step may seem unnecessary, but it is a sure fire way to attract someone of the opposite sex.

4 steps! That's all. Super easy. Absolutely not hard at all. Here's to hoping putrid B.O. will soon be a scent that no longer exists in this world!

All About Poop

As I'm sure is the case for many of you reading this post, poop is kind of a big part of your life. Everybody poops! Recently though, it seems my life has had far more poop stories than usual, so I figured I'd share some of them.

Poop Story #1: Pooping Properly

About a year or two ago, my good friend B-Dizzle told me that I had been pooping in an incorrect fashion my whole life and that she was going to teach me how to poop properly. I was a bit confused since I didn't actually know it was possible to poop wrong.....However, she told me that your colon (or something like that anyway) is designed in a way that you are actually supposed to squat when you poop, like so:

So, when you sit on the toilet, you should actually elevate your legs a little bit. Ever since learing this piece of information, my pooping experience has been totally revolutionized.

Poop Story #2: Poop Pictures

A little while ago, Iwent on a trip to visit my cousin, as I do several times a year. After going to the bathroom, she told me that she sometimes takes pictures of her poop and sends them to people. I actually thought she was kidding until one of her friends verified the story. While I thought this was quite funny, I figured it was something that only my very loveable, unique cousin did. That is, until Poop Story #3 happend.

Poop Story #3: Poopface Pictures

Just last week, I went shopping with a friend at the super ritzy store, Savers. As we were romping around the store trying on all sorts of heinous outfits, she confided in my that she sometimes took pictures of herself pooping/making poopfaces and then sent them to her friends. She then showed me a few of the pictures and I could not stop laughing. Later that night, I tried the technique myself and sent her a picture of myself making a poopface. I cannot even begin to tell you how entertaining it is to do this. Unfortunately for me, her husband found the picture and now thinks I am a total freak. He's probably right, so I'm ok with that.

Poop story #4: Poop scanner

I recently found a most delightful app on my iPod called "Stool Scanner". Basically, it scans your finger (it has to be the one from your wiping hand) and tells you what your next poop is going to look like. Never before have I been so entertained by a completely stupid app. Plus, all the different types of poop have such great names! Ex. Bum gravy, blobby bits, nutty lumps, fluffy mush, etc. Here's a picture of a few of them:

Poop Story #5: Nightmare Mouth Poop

Back in the days when I was still a nursing major and was in the midst of taking BIO 202, my teacher let us know that it is entirely possible to poop out of your mouth. This particular phenomenon is called fecal vomiting. It only occurs when you have some sort of bowel obstruction and if it does occur, you are in serious trouble and should probably get to the hospital immediately. This story has haunted me for years and I am incredibly fearful that this nightmare of an occurance will happen to me someday.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes my poop stories for the day.

Single's Awareness Day

As much as I hate to admit it, Valentine's Day is fast approaching. I made the mistake of walking into Walmart yesterday and my eyes were immediately assaulted by a bright pink and red banner announcing the upcoming arrival of this terrible holiday. A few paces later, I was attacked again - this time by rows full of heart shaped boxes filled with chocolates and dozens of pink, red, and white stuffed animals.
Now, you may be wondering, "Stephannie! How can you hate a holiday that is all about love?" Well, let me tell you - it is quite easy.

Stephannie's Scientific List of Why Valentine's Day Sucks

1. Pink is awful.
2. It grosses me out to watch people cuddle and there seems to be infinitely more of it occuring on Valentine's day.
3. Many babies are created on this day. And you all know how I feel about babies.
4. I can't wear my favorite pair of earrings because they're heart-shaped and I don't want anyone to mistakenly think I'm celebrating Valentine's Day.
5. I am forced to watch girls carry around roses, oversized stuffed animals, and chocolates.
6. None of those gifts are ever for me. Unless of course, they're from my dad. Or I send them to myself.
7. I'm single.

However, there is one thing I do love about Valentine's Day. My friends and I usually have an anti-Valentine's day party - a party which is usually filled with all sorts of dessert, as well as my favorite activity: boy stalking.

My future husband

My future husband must:

- be able to sing like Josh Groban

- be able to oooo like Clay Aiken

- own a sexy red truck

- watch terrible shows like Bachelor Pad with me

- appreciate my stalking abilities

It would also be alright with me if he looked a bit like either Sterling Knight, Josh Duhamel, or Ryan Reynolds. Not a requirement or anything, but I definitely wouldn't complain.

http://domo.goanimate.com/go/movie/08rC-c9C0Q28?utm_source=emailshare&uid=0apSpauXqIts

http://domo.goanimate.com/go/movie/08rC-c9C0Q28?utm_source=emailshare&uid=0apSpauXqIts

How to get a man

As everyone probably knows by now, I am pretty much an expert on this subject. So, I am going to give you a little bit of advice on how to get a man you have previously met if you are in one of his classes.

DO:

Girl: *Walks into class on time and sits next to man* "Hi, *******. Do you remember me?"

Man: "Of course! You're *********'s really attractive cousin!"

Girl: "Yes! Yes, I am!"

Annnnnnd eventually they get married and have lots of little babies.

DON'T:

Girl: *Walks into class late and sits at a different table even though there is an open spot right next to Man*............*Stares creepily at man throughout class*...............*Leaves class without talking to Man before class is over*

This will make him think that you don't actually remember who he is and will cause him to never come sit by or talk to you.

Weird sunburns

It seems I have been cursed to be the recipient of many unfortunate looking sunburns. This past week I went on an innocent roadtrip to California and happened to stop by a beach for an hour or two before heading home. And of course, being as ghostly white as I am, I got sunburned. Now, I've had some stupid looking sunburns before in my life, but this one may just top them all. It's probably only second to the one I got in Hawaii where only my left leg got sunburned. This time, my chest got sunburned. But, there are a few random white spots that look like fingerprints in the midst of the burn. I have no idea how that got there, because it's not as if I was letting someone fondle my chest while I frollicked on the beach, nor did I take a nap or anything where someone could creeper attack me while sleeping. So......I really don't know why I have been cursed with this stupid looking sunburn.

Poor little car...

This is not, in fact, my car, but this is what my car looks like.

I love my car very much. He's been faithful throughout the years, helping me stalk people and make a quick getaway when I need to, but lately he's been crapping out on me.

First he started to lose his "hair". My poor little car has several bald patches on his head now and needs a paint job pretty badly.

Then, the locks gave out. Instead of just flipping a switch, I have to operate them all manually now.

Then, the AC decided that every once in a while it could just stop working. When it's the middle of summer in Phoenix, Arizona, this is soooo not allowed.

Then! The front door decided that it refused to open. Even though the door was unlocked, it would not open no matter how hard a I pushed on it. So I had to crawl over to the passanger side and go out that door. And when I walked around to the driver's side and tried to at least lock the door, it refused to lock.

Poor car. Please don't die.

Things I learned while in Hawaii

-There should definitely be a swimsuit police. There are far to many fat old men in this world who think they can wear speedos in public and way to many old ladies with saggy boobs and bums who think it's ok to wear a bikini. Swimsuits should be body AND age appropriate!

-It's much harder to shave with just a razor blade and no actual razor than one might think. Never forget to bring along BOTH.

-It is definitely possible to get sunburned THROUGH your swimsuit. Apparently the sun doesn't just burn whatever skin is exposed. Make sure to sunblock underneath your swimsuit too, otherwise, like me, you'll be sporting a backwards tan.

-It is possible to get sunburned when it's cloudy and dark out. You are never safe. Noooot cool.

-Never wear shorts over your swimsuit. If you do, you'll be stuck with a really bad tan line. If the sun is feeling especially cruel, it'll only burn one of your legs.

-Pufferfish are hard to scare. No matter how many times you try to step on them or kick them, they won't puff.

REJECTION

My whole life I've always dreaded that someday I might have to break up with/reject someone I really liked because they weren't Mormon like me. For some reason though, it never occured to me that someone I liked and who liked me would be the one rejecting me because I am Mormon. Ouchhhhhhhhh.

Fashion pet peeves

Let's take just a minute to talk about my two latest fashion pet peeves.

Number One: Those awful jumpsuit things that every girl on campus seems to be wearing. I seriously do not get why these are a fad. They're so beyond ugly. People should have stopped wearing these at the age of two. If that late. And they make you look like you have a weird frontal wedgie! NOT sexy.

Number Two: Those shoes with the toes. BEYOND creepy. I could maybe see someone wearing them as watershoes at the beach or something. MAYBE. But I always see people wearing them around campus. And there is definitely not a beach on campus. These shoes seriously creep me out.

We live in Arizona. Not Hell.

Just because I'm at ASU and their mascot is a Sun Devil does not actually mean that it's hotter than hell outside. It is entirely unnecessary to make the classrooms so cold that one needs to bring a jacket in order to not freeze to death during a lecture. It's toasty outside. Not scorching.

Lamb = baby sheep

Yesterday, my friend told me he had only recently discovered that lambs were in fact baby sheep - not a completely different animal.

In an attempt to show him how dumb he was, I turned to my other friend and asked them if they knew the difference between a lamb and a sheep.

He goes, "Yeah, isn't one of them a boy and the other one is a girl?"

FACEPALM.

I wanna hold your hand

Today I learned that I am a total dunce when it comes to love. When guys try to give me a hint, I absolutely do not get it. Unless you slap me across the face with your love, I will remain oblivious. Case in point:
This story has been edited!!!!!! Bahahahahahahhahah!!!!!!!!
WHOOPS. Did not know that. No wonder I've never had a boyfriend..... Also! This picture came up while I was looking for one to go along with this blog: Like, what the heck?!?

The things you see at ASU....

I see weird things all the time at ASU. Most the time I don't even notice them because I'm just so used to it. Like the guy wearing the Burger King man costume. I don't even really pay attention to him anymore. Or the religious fanatics belting out preposterous things - they've just become noise in the background. But today I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said, "Consensual Sex is Hot"......and I was like, "For reals?!?" Why would you wear that? I mean, I thought I was ridiculous for wearing my Jonas Brothers concert t-shirt around campus.

So, I did a little bit of research just now and found out that it's actually to raise awareness about sexual abuse or something like that.

Still.

Very strange shirt.

Sliding Glass Doors

I despise sliding glass doors. I once had the misfortune of running into one and I have never forgotten it. But really! How are you supposed to be able to tell if it's open or not?!? I was at my grandma's house and because she is a clean freak, her sliding glass door is always spotless. SPOTLESS! No streaks or smudges or anything. So the day I ran into it, I remember staring at it, trying to decide whether it was open or not. I finally decided that it was and broke into a run so I could go outside, only to be forcefully stopped by the door about two seconds later.....apparently it wasn't open.....and then all my cousins and aunts and uncles laughed at me........and now I have a phobia of sliding glass doors because they will always, always make you look like an idiot. I mean, if you can't tell whether or not it's open, you have one of two choices:

1. Walk at the door and look like an idiot/have a really bad headache if the door is actually closed.

2. Slowly shuffle toward the door with your arms held out like a blind person so as to protect yourself from running into it, but then look really stupid if the door is, in fact, open.

Moral of the story: buy a house with a real door.

Teased hair or alien babies?

One trend that I will never understand: backcombing. Or teasing your hair. Whatever you prefer to call it.

I just feel like this is a trend that should never EVER be attempted because nearly everyone absolutely FAILS at pulling it off. If you're lucky, you'll merely look like your head has grown a massive tumor overnight. Or like your head is six months pregnant with little alien babies. If you're not lucky, you'll look like you just woke up. Explain to me how that is sexy.

Man Hugs

I really like men.

And I really like getting hugs from men.

But I also feel like I am totally squishing them with my boobs when I hug them.

Which I guess they probably like.

But still.

Awkward.