I may be a woman but this week I grew a pair

Today, I am very proud of myself.

Why?

Oh you know.

I just overcame my chicken-ness and asked a guy out.

!!!!!!

"WHAT?!?!" you say?

Yes! It is true!

I, Stephannie Woods, most socially awkward person in the world, asked somebody out.

Not that he was available. He already had plans.

But that is beside the point.

The point is that this proves I have not been scarred forever.

Even though I have been on some horrible dates (*cough* HOT TUB MASSAGER *cough*), maybe I'll be able to go on one someday with someone who's not a total freak.

THERE IS HOPE!

Maybe not everyone is out to massage me in the hot tub.

Maybe there are normal guys.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Things I hate while driving

I despise driving. Or even just being in a car. Not only because I am an awful driver and nearly always end up injuring myself while out on the road, but because it feels like everyone else sucks at driving even more than I do which is really quite frightening. Also, some people are just dumb. So, here's a list of the things that annoy me most.

#1 That one person who, when a lane is blocked off by construction, thinks they can just drive past everyone to the very front of the line and then just expects you to let them in.

#2 Busy streets without a left turn arrow.

#3 ASU crosswalks

#4 Stupid people at the institute parking garage who can't seem to find their access card and make you sit there forever and wait for them.

#5 Really dumb license plates
9TEEN86
PHASSST
And.....are you ready for this one?
DA MOM E

#6 People with hot trucks who drive like pansies
If you have a hott sexy man truck, you should drive like a man. End of story.

#7 Cars with a backseat, but only two doors.

Hit (on) me baby, one more time!

I have recently discovered a love of hitting on people by texting them random song lyrics. It's actually quite entertaining and I have way more fun doing it than I really should. Anyhow, I figured I'd share a few of the lyrics I've sent so you can try sending them to people yourself next time you're bored. I've found that you usually get a better reaction when you insert the person's name who you're sending it to somewhere in the song if you can. I'll use the name Jeremy when I write these since he's the poor soul I usually send these too. If you can't find a place to put a name in, a few "..." will usually work pretty well too. They seem to make it more awkward which is definitely what we're going for here. Sometimes a winky face also works.

"Oooooooooo Jeremy, you're so fine! You're so fine you blow my mind! Hey, Jeremy! Hey! Hey! Hey, Jeremy!"

"I've got my sights set on you and I'm ready to aim....."

"Jeremy....my life would suck without you...."

"Oh Jeremy, why can't you seeeeeeeeeeeeee, you belong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Jeremy, won't you fly with me? ;)"

"Jeremy, I wanna write you a love song...;)"

"Jeremy, let's get physical! Physical!!!!!!!!!"

I think perhaps the best one I've ever done was this: "Jeremy, you and I could write a bad romance...." I'm pretty sure this actually caused him physical pain it was so bad. I'm fairly certain his response was something like this: "STOP!!!!!"

Poor Jeremy. :)

I say a little prayer for you

Dear girls who wear tube tops,

I pray that one day you will realize that that tube top does not make you look hot. All it does is accentuate your armpit fat and squish your boobs into a really weird shape.

Dear people walking around with umbrellas on a hot sunny day,

I pray that one day you'll realize that rain comes from dark gray clouds. Not the sun. You can leave your umbrellas at home.

Dear ladies man,

I pray that one day you'll realize that having five girls hanging off each arm does not make you look cool. It just makes you look like a pimp. In a bad way.

Dear girl with the really loud voice,

I pray that one day you realize that a loud voice does not make you cute. Nor does a REALLY loud voice make you super cute. You can be just as lovely by talking at a normal volume.

Dear world,

I pray that one day you realize you're not funny. Certain colored umbrellas and coincidental publishers are not funny.

Dear people drinking diet soda,

I pray that one day you will realize that diet soda is really not any better for you than real soda. If you're gonna drink crap, drink the real crap. Unless of course you think that diet soda tastes better.

Dear closet #2

I pray that the day I set you on fire you'll realize it's not because I hate you. I just want to make sure I never lose my crazy mind again.

Dear Drew,

I pray that one day you'll realize that Taylor loves you.

Dear girl wearing spandex leggings,

I pray that one day you'll realize that those are not pants. They're more like....an accessory for your legs.

Dear girls of the world,

I pray that one day you realize that boobs should be your best kept secret. Not the item you bring to show and tell. Every day.

Dear moms,

I pray that one day you realize people are lying to you when they say your newborn baby is cute. I also pray that one day they stop lying.

Dear me,

I pray that when you die, you don't burn in hell for trying to find pictures to go along with some of these while in the institute building. Particularly for the tube top one. Maybe the fact that the site was blocked will save you.

I AM ANGRY

I have always been slightly cynical, but I feel like a few months ago my life started going to crap and it just keeps getting worse and worse. Friends keep moving away, some move back unexpectedly, I've gotten callings that stress me out to no end, my biggest dream that I've held onto for about two years was crushed, I'm taking classes at school that bore me to no end, I hate talking to people and therefore am a bit of a homebody, and I've been stuck in a romantic rut for the past several years with no end in sight. I'm quite tired of feeling so angry all the time so I thought that maybe I could fix that by writing a blog on some of the few things that make me happy. Then maybe I won't feel like screaming out in anguish and punching the nearest person in the face.

Rainbows make me happy. Not so much the rainbows that appear in the sky after it rains, but more the idea of dressing up as a rainbow. I think it could be quite fun. I want to be a rainbow for Halloween. I'm going to dress in all sorts of bright colors and then glue tons of cotton balls to my socks and pretend they are clouds. However, I was told that the fact that I wanted to glue cotton balls to my socks and pretend they were clouds was one of the reasons I do not have a boyfriend. So this idea may not actually help me to get out of this romantic rut.....but I also kind of don't want to be with someone who does not appreciate my cloud feet.

Jonas L.A. I just started watching this on Saturday and I've already watched all the episodes that are out. They are so addicting! I live vicariously through their lives.

The smell of fabric softener makes my day all better. They only thing I like about doing laundry is smelling the clothes after they are dry. One of my friends always smells like clean laundry, so whenever I am near him, I make sure I inhale his goodness and let him know that he smells delicious.

This is my hot lab teacher from my biology class last semester. Now, even though he doesn't look super attractive in this picture, don't be fooled. Just wait til you see him in real life. It is an absolute treat! AND! He's smart! He studies honey bees. I love honey bees. :) I just happened to google him one day and I was super shocked when a picture of him actually came up!

Anyway. I'm done now. Turns out I have some sort of brain block and I can't actually think of anything else that makes me happy.

How to speak my language

So. Here's the deal. I know I'm horrible at expressing myself. I know that. I would love if all human interaction was written out instead of spoken, because I'm so much better at writing what I want to say than actually saying it. However, I also think people are even more stupid than I give them credit for though. Because I feel like many of the things I say get super mistranslated and it kills me inside. So. I'm going to translate a few things for you - all are sentences that I HAVE said before and people misinterpreted. Perhaps this will help people to not be such idiots.

"I don't really like to be touched." - This means that if I do not know you and I'm not infatuated with you, I don't want you to massage me or touch me in a creepy manner. It does NOT mean that I want you to move from massaging my arms to massaging my stomach.

"I hate the F-word." - This means that I find the good old F bomb to be highly painful. It literally hurts my ears when I hear it. This does not mean that I want you to start swearing up a storm and using it as often as you possibly can. Trust me. I'm not using reverse psychology on you.

"I'd like a small strawberry cheesecake with cream." - This means that when I'm at Bahama Bucks, I'd like a small strawberry cheesecake flavored shaved ice with cream. It does NOT mean that I want a green umbrella with said shaved ice.

"I took *****'* shift." This means I was bored. And had nothing to do. And figure I might as well earn some money. So I took *****'* shift. It does not mean I am obsessed with said person and that I would do anything in the world for them simply because they are so beautiful.

"I hate you." This can mean a plethora of different things. It can mean I love you. It can mean you just mocked me and now I am laughing but I'm going to say I hate you but I don't really. It can mean shut up. It can mean that I want to stroke your muscles. It means lots of things. Just depends on the situation, BUT IT NEVER MEANS THAT I ACTUALLY HATE YOU. If I hated you I would say something much more rude, so please don't go and get your panties all in a twist.

How to Get Over A Guy

I've decided I'd like to give all the girls out there tips on how to get over a guy. Because, you know, it's kind of painful when the person you like doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with you. So here are some helpful tips on how to get over him.

1.


2.

3.

4.

5.


..........................................Who am I kidding. I have no idea.

Fashion Advice

I feel it is time for me to give the world some fashion advice. I am the first to admit that I am not always the most stylish person in the world, but after a day of walking around ASU, I simply cannot hold my tongue any longer.



Lesson #1:
There is a HUGE difference between being unique and being a FREAK. For example: Perhaps if you are feeling like being unique, you should replace the plain button on your pants with a large bead or something. You should NOT, however, wear goggles that make you look like an enlarged fly.

Lesson #2:
Things are more attractive when left to the imagination.
I am often disgusted when I see girls with huge boobs who wear shirts that display their massively endowed parts to the world and let them jiggle freely in the stifling hot Arizona weather. This does not mean, however, that I am not disgusted when girls with zero amounts of boobs try to do the same thing. It is actually even more disgusting for some reason. So please. Just cover up and leave your chesticles a nice little mystery. It is much more appealing.


Lesson #3:
Never go pantyless when wearing white shorts.
Now you might say to yourself, "But Stephannie! If i wear underwear with my white shorts you'll be able to see it through my shorts!" And I will say to you, "That may be true, but if you don't wear them, I'll be able to see your bum through your shorts instead of your underwear. Is that really preferable???" And you, being the smart person you are will realize that I am right. So please. If you are going to wear white shorts, please make sure you find a pair that are thick enough that you will be able to wear them with a nice comfy pair of underpants without being able to see them through your shorts.




Lesson #4:
If your pockets are longer than your shorts, YOU NEED A NEW PAIR OF SHORTS. End of story.

Stupid men with feelings

There is nothing worse than a man who acts like a girl. It's ok for a guy to be a bit of a metrosexual. Being a bit metrosexual is actually kind of sexy. However, there is nothing worse than when a grown, attractive man behaves like an immature, Justin Bieber loving, preteen girl. Someone should probably teach them that the silent treatment is not a mature way to express your frustrations over someone disagreeing with you. GROW A PAIR.

Gummy Bears

There are about five million different reasons that gummy bears are super fantastic. First of all, they just look adorable. Especially the little mini gummy bears! Second of all, they taste fantastic. But I think the thing I love most about gummy bears is that you can pretend they are people and bite their heads off.

I loooooooooooooove you!

I have recently discovered a website called Love Gives Me Hope. It has a bunch of little stories all about love and it makes me super happy inside. I cannot wait until the day that my life is one of those stories. :)

Glee!

I just love Glee ever so much. It is such a happy show. Today my friend compared my love life to that of Finn and Rachel's on Glee. I'm not sure this comparison is entirely accurate, but I can't say I've ever been more pleased!

I hate hos.

An arrow through this picture would just about sum up my current feelings and the title of this post.

Powder

This is quite possibly my favorite deoderant in the whole entire world. It makes my armpits smell so delicious. I could literally sit around smelling them the whole day and by super duper happy. I always get really excited when my deoderant runs out because that means I get to go to the store and try a new scent!

Deoderant doesn't always smell good though....Sometimes people wear powder scented deoderant. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!! It smells so awful! I literally want to gag when I smell someone wearing it! I have yet to decide whether I hate it because it actually smells awful or if I hate it because it reminds me of the smell of babies. It could possibly be both though. But, this is a mystery that should not have to be solved. People should just wear my deoderant and then we wouldn't have any problems.

Hot tubs and massages

As summer is coming around, it reminds me of a date I once had....it really was not the best date, so I want to give all the guys in this world an idea for what not to do on a date. Please, PLEASE, whatever you do, don't take a girl to a jacuzzi. It is not romantic. It's just not. It's summer. Nobody wants to hop on into a jacuzzi so they can be even HOTTER and STICKIER than they were before they got in. It's just not fun. And if you just really can't resist taking them to a jacuzzi, at least don't massage them while you're in there. It's not attractive. It's creepy.

I Can't

I feel like this picture very adequately sums up what I am feeling right now. I was all ready and excited for summer to be here so I could just work out and work. You know. At my actual job. And read books. And catch up on Lost. And maybe glee. And maybe go swimming a few times. And then I was hit with this. And now I feel like that carefree summer that was nearly in my grasp has suddenly slipped through my fingers and been blown away to the other side of the world. I just want to cry. Cry and cry and cry. And I wasn't even hit with this because I was doing something wrong - it's not a punishment. I got hit with this all because I was being good! Ugh. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!? I think I'll go watch a really sappy movie.

PHOTOSHOOT!!!!!

This is my hot friend Manda. My dearest friend Manda Manda is going to do a photoshoot of me! I am oh so excited and I do love her ever so much! I have never been a model before or even taken a normal picture before so this is going to be a brand new adventure for me! I cannot wait!

I sometimes wish the things in my mind were real....

I am a perpetual daydreamer.

This is often bad because as I daydream about the same thing happening over and over and over and over and OVER again my mind convinces itself that these things really are going to happen in real life.

And then I am crushed when none of them actually come true.

"Yes, Stephannie, your hot lab teacher really is secretly in love with you."
"Yes, Stephannie, that boy really is going to ask you to come hang out with him when you get off work."
"Yes, Stephannie, Joe Jonas really is going to go into disguise and start attending ASU and you'll be assigned to be his guide and he'll fall in love with you."

It's kind of a problem.

Words I Despise

Sometimes, there are words that irk you or make you want to vomit. Here's a list of mine:

Utilize - thank you Ms. Tolman.

Stimulate - just reminds me of awkward things.

Urge - ditto.

Hard - it's just too easy to make a "That's what she said joke" out of it.

Cupcake - a guy told me to call him this once. No thanks.

Cuddle - I just shiver whenever I hear it. It sounds so stupid. Ex. Lover: "Honey, let's cuddle." Me: "Ok darling, but let me go vomit over your word choice first."

Legit - spent a day with people who go to EAC. Never though I would hear that word so many times within a 24 hour period.

Massage - brings back bad memories of creepermen.

Obese - just say fat. Don't be a pansy.

Whitey

I'm pretty much the whitest person I know. I glow in the dark and when I go on vacation, instead of tanning after I burn, I turn whiter. It is quite unfortunate really. Sometimes I try and console myself by remembering that back in the Renaissance-ish days (or sometime way back in the day), the whiter you were, the more attractive you were. Too bad that's not the way the world works today. However, as of lately, someone has decided that I am not white enough because I have started to grow a white eyelash! I don't understand! My eyelashes, the normal ones anyway, are super dark, but I recently discoverd one lash on my left eye that is WHITE. How does this even happen?! It's not even a normal eyelash either! It's twice as long as all my other lashes and it grows at like 20 times the rate of all the other ones! I'll find it and then cut it off with a pair of scissors and think that I've finally gotten rid of it only to discover a few days later that it has already grown back. Gah!!!

Cuddleslut

Recently, the subject of cuddleslutting has been on my mind. And thinking about cuddleslutting caused me to think about other things that were slightly deeper. Like, how people these days, seem to make out with the first "sexy" person they see walking down the street simply because they like the feeling of it - not because they like the person.

I'm really bad at explaining why I think certain things, but I'll try to explain why this annoys me so much.

Here's the thing. I'm young. My friends are young. Although I wish it wouldn't (because it drives me crazy) random hook ups are bound to happen. And I hate it. I think it shows just how slutty our world has become. I know some people think I'm a total prude, and I probably am, but I don't think you should be holding someone's hand or kissing them simply because you want their body. Kissing and such has come to mean absolutely nothing because we no longer do it to show that we have feelings for a person, but rather because we desire them. I dunno. It just frustrates me. I think people should stop just hooking up with people simply for the sake of "getting some" and find someone they can actual start some form of meaningful relationship with. I'm no expert on love, but it seems to me that waiting to share certain things with one person who loves and understands you would be much better than slutting it up with someone you don't even know.

Philemaphobia

Philemaphobia: the fear of kissing! People, this is real and therefore you should NOT make fun of people who have it. It is not their fault. You should simply comfort them in their time of need rather than mocking them with words like, "I can't!" Ok? Just be nice.

Heartstabber

This is a boy. His name is not Brown, but for the sake of his privacy we shall call him Brown. Brown looks like a nice boy, yes? Yes, he does. But he's actually not. In reality, he is a heartstabber. A heartstabber is much, much worse than a heartbreaker. A heartbreaker breaks your heart, but broken hearts can be mended. Heartstabbers, stab your heart and their stabber stays in there and festers. The stabber can't be removed either. It sits there and hurts your poor heart for months and months and months.........Terrible right? And just think. This is Brown's profession. Brown is a professional heartstabber. And you thought he was a nice boy.......

Why I Love My Friends

This is my love Clay before he got fat and also lied to the world and said he was gay. (He's not really. He's just trying to get people to shut up. Shhhhhhhhh. Don't tell.)

I know alot of people out there think they have the best friends in the world, but they don't. I do. Why do I say this? Oh I dunno. Maybe because they send me texts on April Fools Day that say things like:

Hey yo. So um did you hear Clay Aiken broke up with his man and has declared to the world he is seriously straight.

Oh also Joe Jonas died.

Like how do you even come up with this crap?!?!?! Super rude! They go straight for the things I love most in the world and insult them!

Whatever. Joe and Clay are still hot. And Clay really is straight. For real. We are getting married tomorrow so he can ooooooooooooo to me in his sexy voice forever and ever.

Hello!

I have always secretly desired to have a blog - but not one of those oh-my-goodness-I-am-so-deep-dramatic-and-thoughtful blogs. Those bore me to no end. This is more like an, I'm-going-to-post-all-the-random-crap-that-comes-to-my-mind blog. So, if your looking to read something deep and thoughtful......I'd go find someone else's blog to read.
So, for those of you who know me, you know that I hate any follicle of hair that does not grow directly out of your head. Even those ones have to be connected to your head otherwise they absolutely disgust me. But today, I will not be talking about head hair. Today I will be talking about armpit hair - more specifically, men's armpit hair. Now, I understand that even though I sometimes think I would prefer if men shaved their armpits as all us girls are considerate enough to do, that this is probably not going to ever happen as a man shaving his armpits is not really a very masculine thing to do. But really, the least you can do guys is wear a shirt with sleeves long enough to cover up your nasty armpit hair. Really. Today I had the most unfortunate experience of sitting across from a guy with very short sleeves and his armpit hair was creeping out of his sleeves like some pestilential (is that a word?) thing coming to attack me! GROSS! I have been scarred for life! So please guys, make sure you cover it up.